


Bewitched, Bewildered, and Bothered

by orphan_account



Category: Glee
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-29
Updated: 2011-05-29
Packaged: 2017-10-19 21:59:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/205658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tina dabbles in magic and decides to use her new talents to help out her loveless friends on Valentine’s Day. Kurt really wishes she hadn’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bewitched, Bewildered, and Bothered

**Author's Note:**

> This was written just after SLS. It's now been completely jossed, of course, but it's still one of my favorites. Thanks to Whenidance for the beta. No offense is meant to any wiccans out there. This is all very silly and lighthearted and not at all based in fact.

Tina grinned as she blew out the red candle in front of her and began to gather her things, placing them carefully into a black velvet bag. Once the bag was tucked away in its customary place under her bed where her nosy mother couldn’t find it, she grabbed her phone so she could implement the final phase of her plan.

 **To: Mercedes J., Rachel B., Lauren Z., Kurt H.  
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! I hope you all have as awesome a day as I know mine will be!**

It was just after midnight, but hardly a minute went by before she got some kind of response back from each of them.

 **From: Lauren Z.  
Not likely unless you suddenly decide to share your man’s abs.**

 **From: Rachel B.  
My dads are forcing me to go out to dinner with them. While I do believe family bonding time is a beautiful representation of their love for each other, it **

 **From: Rachel B.  
isn’t quite what I would call an “awesome” Valentine’s Day.**

 **From: Mercedes J.  
Doubt it, but thanks. **

 **From: Kurt H.  
Tina, I know you mean well, but V Day’s other name is Singles Awareness Day for a reason. Try not to rub in how perfect your boyfriend is.**

Tina just rolled her eyes at their responses. In less than twenty-four hours, they’d all have very different opinions on Valentine’s Day. She was sure of it.

\--- 

Halfway through his morning skin care routine, he finally notices. That he didn’t become aware of the crowd sooner can only be blamed on not having his contacts in yet and that applying moisturizer requires that he look at his own face in the mirror, not those of the boys around him. What finally draws his eyes away from what he thinks might be a small blemish forming on his chin, is when he hears a low grunt and a long drawn out, “daaaaaamn.”

In the mirror, Kurt can see that a small group of boys has gathered behind him and all of them appear to be staring at his ass. Startled, Kurt straightens and looks over his shoulder at his silk pajama bottoms.

“What are you guys staring at? Did I sit in something?” he asks them. 

A couple of the guys near the back of the group ignore his question and wander off towards the showers, looking dazed. Satisfied that his pants are as immaculate as ever, Kurt turns to face the pack of boys fully and a couple more break off, apparently no longer interested in whatever had them staring a moment ago. That just leaves Jake Adler, a scrawny sophomore who Kurt had tutored in French the previous year, staring at him with an unnerving grin.

“There something I can help you with Jake?” Kurt asks, confused at their odd behavior and anxious to get back to his moisturizing. 

“Just admiring the view, that’s all. I mean, you want to bend over again, I wouldn’t object,” Jake says with a shrug, his grin – no, his leer – still in place.

 _What the heck?_  Kurt wonders. Now that he’s been at Dalton for almost a year and a half, he’s acquired a sort of mental inventory of those students who are definitely gay or bi, those who are still just curious, and those who just don’t spend enough time around girls. Jake has never appeared on any of those lists.

“Ooookay,” Kurt says, gathering up his toiletries swiftly. “I’m going to go now. See you around, Jake.”

“Oh, I hope so,” Jake calls as he exits the bathroom. 

The walk back to his room isn’t very long, but Kurt passes at least three more guys who are definitely straight and  _definitely_  leering at him. He knows that look. It’s the look they would normally be wearing if Santana were to strut past in a bikini. Why the hell are they looking at  _him_  like that?

As Kurt goes about the remainder of his morning routine, this time staring at himself in a tiny vanity mirror. His bewilderment turns to anger. Clearly, there was some kind of mass prank going on. What he had done to become the target of such a prank, he didn’t know, but he was  _pissed_. He thought he was done with this type of bullshit when he left his friends and family and his  _clothes_  behind to attend this ivory tower of a school, with its supposed zero tolerance policy. 

Deciding to skip breakfast and whatever humiliating experiences awaited him in the dining hall, Kurt heads straight for his first period English class. His parents are paying a ridiculous amount of money for him to get a good education and he’s not about to let this bizarre form of homo-bashing get in the way of that. He’ll get through today and then he’ll go straight to the dean’s office to report the matter. It may be embarrassing and annoying to have every guy within a twenty foot radius eyeing him like a piece of meat, but it still beats being slushied any day.

\--- 

Twenty minutes into English, Kurt would gladly slushie himself again if it would stop this madness. Mrs. Watt had decided that they all needed to recite and discuss love poems in honor of the holiday. Mrs. Watt was a jerk. 

Kurt now had a class full of teenage boys staring at him moonily as they discuss the meaning of Shakespeare’s sonnet 116 and whether they think true love exists. The lascivious looks he had gotten this morning had been one thing, but this was just ridiculous. Every single one of these boys was suddenly acting as though they were moments from getting down on one knee and proposing. The worst part was that Mrs. Watt didn’t seem to notice that Kurt was the focus of every boy’s attention. He suffers through the class, his spine stiff and straight in his molded plastic chair, but bolts out of the door as soon as the bell rings, never more thankful for the straightforward formulas and theorems of math than he is right at this moment.

The rest of his classes are much the same as English, though. Every boy he sees, even the few gay ones, stare at him and go to extra lengths to talk to him or brush up against him in the halls. Even his teachers have been calling on him more than usual and fawning over the slightest addition he contributes to the class discussion. It’s unnerving and Kurt’s temper is dangerously frayed by the time he slams his satchel down onto the couch next to him in sixth period. It’s the last period of the day and normally, his happiest because it’s the hour set aside for Warblers rehearsal. Today, Kurt just can’t wait to get through it so he can march on over to the dean’s office and demand that he put a stop to this insanity. 

His gaze is carefully trained on the floor, not wanting to catch the eye of any of his faux suitors lest he encourage them, so he doesn’t notice Blaine’s presence until he leans against the couch arm and nudges his shoulder. 

“Hey, you alright? You’re getting that crinkle between your eyes that you get when you’re pissed,” Blaine says quietly.

Kurt doesn’t want to look up; doesn’t want to see lust, or worse, love in Blaine’s eyes. It would just kill him at this point if Blaine was in on this too. He keeps his eyes on the floor, but consciously smoothes out the wrinkle in his brow because frown lines are nobody’s friend.

“I’m fine. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

From the way his leg tenses, Kurt can see that Blaine is about to lean closer and—do something. On any other day, Kurt would guess that Blaine would lean in, put a friendly hand on his shoulder, and tell Kurt that he can tell Blaine anything. On any other day, Kurt wouldn’t hesitate to turn to his friend for help. Today is not any other day, though. Today is apparently Fuck With Kurt Hummel Day and he doesn’t want to see Blaine’s friendly concern replaced with besotted adoration. Not if he doesn’t mean it.

Whatever Blaine had meant to say is drowned out by the loud knock of the council’s gavel. Kurt liked Nick (normally), but his obsession with that gavel was almost as bad as Wes’.

“Order! Gentleman, I know we have a lot of rehearsing to do for Regionals, but I thought we might do something a little more fun today, in honor of the holiday,” Nick announced. 

Kurt just groaned. Of course. 

“I’m glad you said something, Nick, because there’s a special song I’d like to sing to a special someone, who’s sitting right in this room.”

Kurt still refused to look away from the floral pattern on the rug, but that had sounded like Flint. Nick banged the gavel on the desk again unnecessarily.

“That’s great Flint, but I had a song in mind myself and since it’s the  _council_  who makes the song selections, I think I’ll go first,” Nick says tersely. 

Beside him, Blaine’s left foot turned quizzically. Dear God, what did it say about him that he could read his expressions through his feet?

“You’re not the  _only_  council member, Nicholas. I have a song I’d like to sing as well.”

That would have to be Aiden, as the third councilmember had just stood from his perch next to Kurt. Kurt watches Blaine’s feet and guesses that he has his arms up, trying to ward off the argument that is obviously brewing over who gets to sing a love song to him first. There will never be a Valentine’s Day worse than this one, Kurt is sure of it.

“Uh, guys? Maybe one of you could explain what’s going here. What’s with the sudden need to serenade,” he pauses, his left toe pointed slightly toward Kurt, “this certain someone?” 

“It isn’t sudden! I’ve always thought that  _Come What May_  would be a perfect song to sing with Kurt!” Nick protests.

The room erupts then with accusations that Nick stole someone’s idea; that clearly,  _Your Song_  is a much better choice if you’re going to serenade someone; that anything from the  _Moulin Rouge_ soundtrack is way too obvious and  _I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You_  is far superior. 

Kurt mutters a quiet, “Elvis? Really?” to himself before picking up his satchel and walking calmly from the room, hoping they’re all too busy arguing with each other to notice that he’s left. He doesn’t get far though, before Blaine catches up to him and spins him around by the elbow.

“Hey, wait! Do you know what the heck was going on in there?”

Blaine’s knees look so confused; Kurt decides to finally chance a look at his face. What he sees is such a relief that he almost hugs Blaine then and there. Blaine doesn’t look besotted or like he wants to push Kurt up against a wall and do naughty things to him. He looks concerned and perplexed and a little angry.

“I have no idea. It’s been happening all day long. I was just trying to get through the day before I went down to Mr. Waterstein’s office to complain. I mean, this has to be some kind of school-wide prank, right? You and Mrs. Watt are the only two people who haven’t tried to profess their undying love for me all day,” Kurt tells him, his voice nearly a whine.

“This is so weird. I was having a totally normal day until just now.” Blaine puts a friendly arm around Kurt’s shoulders and guides him down the hall. “Come on, I’ll help you fend off your suitors on the way to Waterstein’s.”

\--- 

Dean Waterstein is no help. Instead, he stares at Kurt’s lips and tells him he’s an “attractive young man,” who should be taking advantage of the situation. Before he can ask Kurt how he’s doing in his classes and if his grades need a bump, Kurt hightails it out of his office, dragging Blaine behind him.

They go back to Kurt’s dorm room to brainstorm, or in Kurt’s case, freak out. 

“This is so unfair! I finally get a guy to notice me on Valentine’s Day, except I’m suddenly living the twisted, bizarro version of a rom-com, and instead of getting flowers and candy, I’m going to end up getting gang-banged in the showers!” He wants to scream into a pillow, but he’s afraid it would muss his hair.

“Maybe you’re exuding some kind of crazy pheromones that make men go wild. Or maybe it’s sex pollen. Did you brush up against any weird looking plants recently?” Blaine tilts his head thoughtfully, studying some indistinct spot on the wall. “Of course, the real question is why am I not affected?”

“I don’t even care. I’m just relieved there’s someone here to help share this madness.”

Kurt’s phone lights up with an incoming call before Blaine can respond. Seeing Tina’s picture on the display, he almost lets it go, not wanting to hear about her perfect day, but picks up just before it goes to voicemail.

“Hey, Tina. I’m kind of busy right now. Can I call you back tomorrow?” Kurt asks, somehow managing a polite tone. It’s not her fault he’s currently living in the Twilight Zone.

“Of course! But before you go, just tell me what you’re so busy with,” she says conspiratorially.

“It’s kind of complicated. I’ll tell you all about it the next time I see you, I promise.”

“Assuming the student body doesn’t turn murderous with jealousy,” Blaine adds helpfully.

Kurt glares at him before continuing, “Really though, I have to go.”

“No, wait! Does it have anything to do with a boy? Anybody over at Dalton feeling especially loving towards you today?” she asks with a teasing voice.

Kurt is silent for the space of two breaths. Long enough for him to remember the plot of an old  _Buffy_  episode and Tina’s fascination with the occult.

“ _What did you do_ , Tina?” he hisses. 

Across from him, Blaine’s eyes widen comically and he whispers, “This is  _her_  fault?”

“It was just a little love spell, Kurt. Everything worked out great for Mercedes, Rachel, and Lauren. They all have dates for tonight with some seriously hot guys,” she says casually. Kurt can practically see her studying her fingernails. “So who asked you out? Was it Blaine?”

“Tina, whatever it is you did, you have to undo it. You screwed up somehow and now the entire school is acting like they’re in love with me. Even the teachers!” Kurt screeches.

“What?! The whole school? That’s—ohhhhh, actually, I think I know why that happened.” She doesn’t even have the grace to sound sheepish; she just laughs a little, amused at his predicament.

“I don’t really care how you messed up, Tina. Just  _fix it_ ,” he tells her. He jams the End Call button viciously, wishing he had an old-fashioned phone that he could slam down into its cradle. Stabbing at a touch screen isn’t nearly as satisfying.

“So was I right, was it the sex pollen thing?” Blaine asks with a grin.

“She said she screwed up a love spell,” Kurt says flatly, throwing his phone onto the bed.

“Wait, seriously? She knows magic isn’t real, right? I mean,  _you_  know magic isn’t real, right?” 

“Says the guy who keeps going on about sex pollen,” Kurt says pointedly. “And I’ve never believed in magic before today, but what happened today – that wasn’t natural.”

“I was kidding about the sex pollen. You seem really stressed out about the fact that every guy in the building suddenly wants a piece of you. I’m just trying to keep you from freaking out,” Blaine says with a shrug. “Although, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure what the problem is. It’s weird, sure, but it seems like the attention would be nice.”

“If it were coming only from the gay guys, maybe. I don’t know, I think it’s just that I know none of it is real. And then there’s the fact that once this mass hallucination wears off, I’m probably going to be universally hated and blamed for something I had nothing to do with. Again. God, I’m going to  _kill_  her if I have to transfer schools again.” Kurt punches the bed next to him and it feels so good, he does it a few more times.

Blaine gets up from his seat at the desk and comes to sit next to Kurt, wrapping an arm around him. Kurt sighs and relaxes into his friend’s side, leaning his head on his shoulder. 

“Let’s just wait until Tina figures out what to do about this before you start signing your transfer papers, okay? If magic is real, maybe she can whip up a forgetfulness potion and this will all just seem like one long dream for everyone involved. For now, I’m going to go grab some food from the dining hall because I bet you haven’t eaten all day,” Blaine says, giving Kurt a squeeze before pulling away and leaving him alone. 

Kurt locks the door behind him, just in case.

\--- 

By the time Blaine returns, Kurt is on the phone with Tina again. She’s explaining something about wording and having to switch objects of focus because he’s gay and Kurt doesn’t really care.

“But it’s done, right? I won’t be hunted down by every guy in the school and have to listen to them recite sonnets about the beauty of my eyes?” Kurt asks.

Blaine sets dumps his stash of food onto the bed and turns to Kurt with a grin and a silent, “no way.” Kurt just rolls his eyes to the ceiling and nods. It had only been three boys, but still.

“Absolutely. Everything is completely reversed and the magic should cloud their memories. As of about five minutes ago, everything should be completely normal,” Tina assures him. “And Kurt? I really am sorry. I just wanted you guys to have a fun Valentine’s Day for a change.”

“Save the apologies, Samantha. You can make it up to me by never messing around with my love life again.” He hangs up on his friend for the second time that day, but a little less forcefully this time. He’s still angry at her meddling, of course, but it’s tempered by the relief that he should be able to face the student body with minimal embarrassment tomorrow morning.

“Sonnets about your eyes, huh?” Blaine asks, plainly amused.

“What, my eyes aren’t sonnet-worthy?” Kurt retorts defensively. He thinks he has quite pretty eyes.

“No, no, they are. I just didn’t realize the boys at this school were creative enough to compose sonnets.”

Kurt has to admit, it had surprised him too.

“Tina didn’t have any theories about why you weren’t affected. I guess you’re just a freak,” Kurt tells him, choosing an apple from the stash and taking a bite.

“Nope, not a freak,” Blaine says, shaking his head and smiling at him. “I didn’t want to say anything at the time, but I felt the effects of the spell too. They just weren’t all that different from how I usually felt, so it was pretty easy to ignore them.”

Kurt almost chokes on his apple. With difficulty, he finishes chewing and swallows, his eyes wide and stuck on Blaine’s face. Blaine’s gorgeous, honest face, which was currently wearing that look of besotted adoration he’d seen so frequently today.

“Oh God, it didn’t work. She screwed up again and now you’re damaged too. Okay, Blaine. I appreciate the sentiment, really. But let’s talk about this tomorrow, okay? I’m really feeling kind of tired.” He fakes a yawn and sets his apple down on the desk, moving toward the door. “Why don’t you go write a love song for me or something while I get some rest?” 

He reaches to open the door, but Blaine’s hand stops him.

“I’m not ‘damaged’ and this isn’t the spell talking. I felt it lift on my way back from the dining hall. And if you go out there right now, you’ll notice that every guy on this floor is walking around in a daze, but not arguing about the best way to win your love.”

“If this isn’t the spell talking, then what is this?” he asks. 

“Just me finally going for it,” Blaine replies with a shrug. “I guess it took the entire school falling for you before I realized what I would be missing out on by ignoring my feelings any longer.”

“What exactly  _are_  those feelings?” Kurt asks, almost afraid of the answer.

“I’m in love with you.”

He says it just like he did a year ago in the Lima Bean and Kurt nearly swoons now that those words are finally,  _finally_  being directed towards him. 

“Seriously, if this is the spell talking—“

“It’s not the spell, Kurt. I’ve been fighting this for the better part of a year because I didn’t want to lose my best friend when I inevitably screw this up, but I’ve always wanted to be with you.” He smiles wryly, “At least, I have since you made me realize what an idiot I was being.”

“You’re  _still_  an idiot for waiting a whole year to tell me this,” Kurt says, reaching up to tug on the lapel of Blaine’s blazer. Blaine captures his hand and pulls him forward.

“Tell me I didn’t wait too long. Tell me I didn’t already screw this up,” Blaine pleads, leaning close.

“No, you haven’t screwed anything up yet,” Kurt says, leaning in to brush his lips against Blaine’s. 

He almost ruins it by smiling, but then Blaine presses in further, deepening the kiss and wrapping his arms around his waist and Kurt realizes that nothing could ruin this, not even Blaine’s fatalistic attitude towards romance. 

 _He won’t get a chance to screw this up,_  Kurt vows,  _I won’t let him._

_  
_


End file.
